If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
