if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
