I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
