Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
