i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
