I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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