TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
barbara walters just said penis...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
