Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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