so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize