apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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