Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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