Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize