there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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