the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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