Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
