i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
