Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
