you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
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just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
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Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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