just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
