I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
