i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
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I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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