I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
