the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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