I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize