drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
