I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
