I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
