Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
