Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
