so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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