I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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