And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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