based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
