I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
