i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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