yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
