Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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