Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
