i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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