how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it