So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
