i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My dad is sitting where you rode me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
