Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
