i jhust puked up my retainher.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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