like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
