Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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