I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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