You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i think i just lost a toe
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
