i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
