dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
