There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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