we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
